I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
