She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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