i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
