i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
