Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
