I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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