she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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