my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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