i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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