so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
