when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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