The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
