I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
