K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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