when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
