She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
