Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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