My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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