someone threw a dead crab at me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
