I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
