You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
