I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
