She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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