I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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