I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
FUCK WHALES
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
