Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
