he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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