i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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