I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
