The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I love you. Go after that dick
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
