you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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