you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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