tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
