well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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