remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
