My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
