hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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