my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
