Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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