I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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