what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
