ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
