You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
