Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
