At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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