so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
