drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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