my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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