You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
