I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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