Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
