If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
