guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
