im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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