Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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